The Chamberlin Effect | Rebounding Right

ESPN reports that at the time of Wilt Chamberlain's retirement he held 128 records with close to 100 of them still holding and 68 of them being records that he holds by himself.  One of those is for making close to 24,000 rebounds in his fourteen-year career.  Which says to me rebounding is important to the game (of life and relationship) and they are not impossible to achieve. What is surprising is that though rebounding takes force, power, physical contact, and determination, he managed to make thousands and seldom was disqualified or fouled out. So low was his percentage, it is recorded as 0.00. It is said that if blocks were counted by the League before he retired, he would hold the record with them as well. The NBA Encyclopedia Playoff Edition. (2005-2006), records the following of Mr. Chamberlin's rebounds and disqualification statistics (retrieved from 
http://www.nba.com/encyclopedia/wilts_records.html).

REBOUNDS
Most seasons leading league:	11
Most, career:	23,924
Highest average, career:	22.9
Most, season:	2,149
Most, rookie, season:	1,941
Most seasons, 1,000 or more:	13
Highest average, season:	27.2
Most, game:	55
Most, rookie, game:	45
DISQUALIFICATIONS
Lowest percentage, career:	****0.00

I discovered standards and approaches from Mr. Chamberlin's rebounding skills that we can learn from and apply to our life so we will not be disqualified in relationships.  The skills are simple, applicable and doable; the execution of them may be challenging. I had an epiphany regarding the analogy of rebounding in basketball and relationships. I call this The Chamberlain Effect: Rebounding Right: 

1. You have to know the game and the rules regarding how to win.
2. Learn the competition and your team (e.g. who is on your side).
3. Respect the competition, use them to motivate you. Do not be threaten or intimidated by it. In essence, "Make your haters your elevators." 
4. Respect and utilized team. Know each person's skill set and use them in their lane.
5. Be confident, played with confidence and expected to win
6. Always keep the end in mind (e.g. be made whole, get over that), which is the goal (e.g. the targeted desire; to forgive, to be healed and made whole) in our view (e.g. mind and spirit).
7. Stay in the game. Don't run from the healing process.  Don't be disqualified because you acted out of your emotions and now you are benched and out of the game.
8. Practice endurance. Though the process of healing and recovery is difficult and can take a while, stay the course.
9. Sit out (and stay out) of the game for a while. Sit down to assess, catch your breath and see the game from another position and perspective.
10. You have to know you are one of a kind. Be confident and sure of your value to the team you are on (e.g. person you are in relationship with).
11. Know your limitations, strengths, and abilities then capitalized on them.
12. Rebounding is between you and the (defined) goal. It's not about the competition (the necessity to overcome them) or your team (for them, the final reward, blessing or trophy).
13. Use your natural (and spiritual, what is in you) abilities (e.g. gifts) to rebound and block.
14. Pay attention to what is going on around you (and in you). Stay focused on the goal, keep your legs and feet under you, stay in control, recognize when you have left the goal, strayed from the desired result and taken your eyes off the win.

Rebounding or maybe a better word is recovery and restoration is not easy but it is doable and it is necessary.   Rebounding is not the move(s) you take but the end result or goal. No ball when you come down, it's not a rebound.  Wilt was able to go up for the ball and come down with it and follow-thru to the next play.  Number 12 above reminds us that the rebound is between you and the goal. To get to the goal and see the victory, you have to be willing to use your strength, power (physical, mental and spiritual), and determination to get past the competition; whoever and whatever is in your way or path to achieving your healing and recovery (e.g. getting the rebound).  Going up and landing safely. This is why involving others in (and during) your rebounding process can be painful (in the end) for you and them.  

Involving others in your rebounding move (time or season), reminds me of bridging. When you are going up for the rebound (getting involved in another relationship too soon (at the wrong time) and on your way down you get bridged.  You are boxed out while in mid-air and your legs (ability to walk right and steady) is taken out from under you, causing you to fall hard (physically), often harder (emotionally) than the previous.  You are not only unbalanced coming down but getting up and the pain of landing takes your breath away.   

I do not agree with  jumping quickly into a new relationship  to be delivered from or to get over the last relationship! It is often a hard and worse fall waiting to happen. How much time should be in between? I do not know what is reasonable, acceptable or appropriate.  However, what I do believe is that it takes some time to recover, rebuild, learn, grow, gain wisdom (applied, executed, tested knowledge) to rebound. Some say it depends on the type of relationship you were in. Dating, engaged or married, how it ended, the loss you experienced or suffered, break-up, bridge, death or divorce. The longer the previous relationship was the more one may be affected. The reason it happened, who initiated it; these and others are factors in the time needed to heal, recover, rebound, to be restored. Not just to your former state but a better state.  

The Chamberlin Effect shows us great gain and reward can come when you keep the end in mind, endure, believe in and know ourselves, our strengths and weaknesses.  Do what he did and capitalize on your strengths but put the right guards around you concerning your weaknesses.  Know your value.  Love and like yourself enough to wait until the right play (or the one who) comes.  

How to know:

How do you know if you are in a rebound relationship; about to be bridged (Reboundee) or operating from a mid-air place; about to bridge someone (Rebounder). Ultimately, we want to and need the one coming to have landed safely (not hurt or (still) broken, angry) from the previous before we go into (or they come) the next with you.  Here are some indicators if you are operating from bridged, mid-air or broken.  Now, if you can answer these, "Nope, not me. Then you are probably ready for the next...You have landed, are safe (healed), ready to move about and get in the game again.  

1. Your conversation or reference is (often) about your Ex or Exes more than the one you are with.
2. You are still angry with and mean towards your Ex or Exes.   
3. You secretly contact, are in contact with, reach out to, still think/dream of/about the Ex.
4. Still (frequently) view/visit/listen to their social media sources, pictures and voice messages.
5. Your will (interest), desire, thoughts and conscious are on them.
6. In any, way you wish them ill.
7. You are not able to earnestly bless them or pray for them. 
8. You purposely visit places, go to or do activities with the "rebound" that you did with the Ex (often this is unbeknownst to the rebound) while secretly hoping to run into the Ex. 
9. Vehemently, you stay away from any and everything that reminds you of the ex (often this is unbeknownst to the rebound ).
10. New memories or experiences are not a priority. 
11. You openly or internally compare the Ex to the present (rebound).
12. You conclude, make or assign (perceived) similarities and reality. 
13. You self-sabotage.
14. If asked about the Ex by the rebound, irritation and or impatience arises.
15. You keep the relationship with your Ex close to your vest. You're vague, defensive and not forthcoming with information and the truth. 
16. Most or all of the "blame" is the Ex's fault. If you take "responsibility", it's not genuine. 
17. You often move VERY fast. The "relationship" is short lived (air goes out in "Rebounder" suddenly and quickly), crashes (fall, break-up), and can be very painful, sudden and often callous. Why, because the emotional internal struggles (anger, insecurity, etc.) of the "Rebounder" were not resolved or even addressed prior to this relationship  
18. The "Reboundee" will feel blindsided. Their recovery (need to rebound) may take some time.

Rebound relationships produce a vicious cycle. Creating and leaving another hurt person to recover and who very well may not apply #9 (i.e. sitting out), assessing your role and game, reflecting, catching your breath and seeing things from a different space, place and perception. Learn you. Assess you. Take time to be healed and to be made whole. 

Has this been you...The giver and or the receiver of a rebound relationship? The probability of a rebound relationship working is low.  If you can make it past six (6) months, your chances get better; however, one (1) year is the optimum.  Unfortunately, most do not make it to 6 months.   

The "Rebounder" can be a male or female. Men do enter into rebound relationships. It may not be as noticeable (at first) because it is more acceptable for men to date frequently, more than one woman at a time or back to back. Decide to not (ever again) be the "Rebounder" or allow yourself to be the "Reboundee". Watch and listen for the signs. You will save you and the other person a world of hurt.

Learn the skill of rebounding right, landing on your feet, if you fall get up and moving on.  Don't get ejected because you feel dejected or rejected.  The Chamberlin Effect...It will work if you work it.  A championship relationship awaits you.  

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Be the First Adviser of Your Advice

One of the hardest things for most people is to be the student. To apply what we teach, advise, counsel, share with others to our own lives. This is why lawyers should not be their own defense, counselors need a therapist (vice versa) & doctors make the worst patients. How frustrating & painful it is when we see others lives spiraling b/c they are their own counsel yet not applying the advice they give others. Will we miss it, sure but let's use 2016 (no, start today) to seek to always be the 1st partaker of a (life) lesson, a message, a quote or experience. 

Don't just post it for others, sit & hear the message wishing the other person was there to hear it or watch it & make it about them. Take it in for yourself 1st. Eat the whole roll & digest it 1st for you, your life, situation & your character! God allowed you to see it, hear it, read it, experience it (1st) for a reason! Believe it or not, it is something in it for you to glean & gain from as well. Learn from your lectures & pretty posts. 

Life application : End each post, message you' hear or read, etc. with: Does that apply to me, Is that me, What can I take away from this for me, What can I learn from this, etc.  Pause, think about it & digest it!  If it relates, apply  it and grow!

God sent His son (The Savior of the Word) for us to have life, to be whole and free.  Often what HE sends our way and allows us to encounter that we say, "That is good...I wish such and such was here to hear that...I hope such and so read this...Oooo this is just what they need..." the reality and truth is that often it is in part or in whole for us now or will be for us later!  Don't resist or rebel against, deny or reject Truth, God, His Word, The Holy Spirit, the Message or the Messenger HE is using for you to get it!  Ask for an ear to hear what God is saying to you - first!  Read it, hear it, receive it, apply it, live it FIRST for yourself...Then be wise in how to advise!  Seek to be the 1st partaker!  

“Therefore, in all things He (Jesus, you & me) had to be made like His brethren (first) that He might be a merciful, faithful and prudent (wise) High Priest (intercessor, Christian) in things pertaining to God, to make (be the) propitiation (full payment) for the sins of the people. For in that He Himself (first) has suffered and been tempted, He is (fully) able to aid those who suffer and are tempted. Therefore, holy brethren, (now) partakers of the heavenly calling, consider the Apostle and High Priest of our confession, Christ Jesus (who experienced it & lived it first),...Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says: “Today, if you will hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion, In the day of trial in the wilderness,..."" Hebrews 2:17-18, 3:1,7,8

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Closing Out 2015 - What I Have Learned : The Masks of Men (WoMen)

What I've learned #1...

It is one thing for a person to 'feel you' (touched by the feelings), another for them to 'get you' (live together in understanding, in all your getting get an understanding) but to 'see you' is to truly know you (you know my inward secret thoughts, you see me afar off).  People love it when you "feel" them & get them but seeing them makes most uncomfortable because it is a place of vulnerably.  It exposes parts of us we do not - are not ready to reveal. Yet, how can you have a genuine authentic healthy relationship without it.  Now, I do not mean by the 2nd date they should know everything there is to know about you.

My question for you is:  Which do you prefer: someone who feels you, gets you, see you, a combo or all.  To avail yourself to all, that means you are ready to be REAL - TRANSPARENT!  In this there is no vagueness, no secrets... withholding nothing.  The "don't ask don't tell" policy is not in effect.  They do not live by "ask me no questions - I tell you no lies."  Do not confuse someone telling you "every thing" with telling "everything".  The first tells you what (the thing(s) they want you to know.  The second is an open book...Whether they volunteer it or when asked they tell it and they answer honestly.   Wisdom of when to tell what is key.  If in doubt pray, ask God and HE will lead you.  However transparency is vital to  establishing a healthy relationship.

With every exchange, every encounter, every shared dream and past hurt and learned experienced there should be - must be a greater level of TRUTH and TRANSPARENCY!  Else what you building your relationship on are "half-truths" which are lies and often secrets that will come out - be exposed (intentionally or unintentionally) later.

Trust is built through not only transparency, but time (calendar and experience), open and honest communication (transparency), and understanding. 

I have heard people say and seen it written that acceptance is apart of the equation.  Let me touch on that.  Someone accepting us for who we are and what we have been through that often made us who we are is that is more about our respecting and not blindly accepting. Accepting you is not excusing or approving of us or our bad behavior. God, our Heavenly Father acceptances us and loves us but HE never excessed us or approves of our bad behavior (sin; against Him, ourselves or others). 

What I know:

A healthy, lasting, enduring relationship cannot be established and built on lies or secrets.  We must remove the masks.  If we do not know how, ask God to give you the courage and strength. To remove the fear.  Masks are for fun and are meant for momentary wear. They are never meant for long-term permanent wear or to be put or kept on as an accessory. They are most often seen and visible at parties and scary days, i.e.,Halloween & Masquerade Parties. They become uncomfortable after a while and must be (should be) removed. You can't breathe freely behind one. In our natural daily lives and relationship encounters, they worn out of fear; fear of acceptance, rejection, self hate, self denial. They are a deception to wearer and the receiver.  The shame or challenge is that they can be worn so long that they become natural and accepted.  Paul  L. Dunbar put it like this

When God starts or uses someone to see us it can be fearful - uncomfortable.  It exposes us.  Without understanding, this could be a curse more than a blessing.  Forgetting that if God is allowing it, it is for our good.  I believe this is more challenging for men than women.  Why?  Men want to be seen by their woman as their knight in shining armor, their hero. And to be seen; particularly by their woman before marriage can be intimidating for them.  Their reveal tends to be little by little; unlike women who can sometimes reveal too much too soon!

I have often said when people act out or change it not that they changed it was simply that what was in them came out.  What changed was our ability to see and be truthful with ourselves about what we see and witness.


What do we do
Let us seek to remove the mask and be real to ourselves and others.  Representatives need not apply. Show up as you.  No pretending or keeping secrets.  Being vague is deception and seeks deceive.  White or black - little or big lies are not ok.

Always be you - your real authentic you.  No matter the hat you are require to wear always, ONLY present the real you.  Tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth about who you are.  You past and present struggles.  Do not pull people into your masquerade     that you call life.  If you desire for your relationship to be strong and last; to weather the storms, it is imperative that trust, honesty, communication, support, fun, love, forgiveness, and transparency are the foundation of your relationship and union.

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God Does ReGIft

The Challenge 

Have you ever found yourself challenged or questioning how what was a blessings has now become a burden (weighs you down, overly frustrates or stresses you, brings no peace, offers no help, adds nothing to you, oppresses or depresses you, confusion) ... What changed : you, the blessed thing (the gift of or from God) or God...Was the 'blessing' really from God (for every good and perfect gift comes from above) or a manufactured (you made it) blessing... "For the blessings of the Lord make us rich (adds to us, makes a better, may come with challenges - opposition but God gives us what we need to overcome) and adds no sorrow to it or us and neither does toiling obtain or keep it" (Prov 10:22, Amp).

In other words, when the BLESSING (the job, promotion, relationship, degree, house, car(s), etc.) is from God, toil (excessive, continuous hard labor), worry, fear, frustration, anxiety, anger, insecurity, doubt, oppression, depression, sorrow (feelings of deep distress caused by loss or fear of loss, disappointment, or a misfortune suffered by oneself or others due to a bad or emotional decision or choice) are not in it. Those things are not from God but the enemy within and or without!  Let me help us: God's blessing (what is from Him) does not change and neither does HE change.  If it was 'all that' in the beginning and through the middle, quit possibly it was from God!  The blessing(s) you rejected, mishandle, dismiss is still a BLESSING. Except now, God has to recondition it to give it to someone else to receive, appreciate, value, keep, maintain, add to, etc.  It (the blessing) could be an idea, a partner, a lover, friend, job, spouse, house, increase, opportunity, etc.

The truth is what and or who changes is us...We change our mind, feelings, our level of interest, commitment, focus, attention, gratefulness, passion, love, appreciation, desire, etc.  We take for granted the blessing God has given us.  Often we make God's BLESSING(s) - His good thing(s) a bad thing(s) because we make lifelong impacting decisions based on ever changing feelings that influence our choices.  The result is often loss, hurt and regret. We ruin, mishandle, mistreat, misappropriate the blessings!  And often damage them and or ourselves for the next.  Thank God that HE does and knows how to regift.  

The Support

Remember Matt 25; the story of the talents.  The Master took the gift - the blessing from the one who did not honor or value it's worth.  HE gave it to the one who knew how to handle a treasure - a blessing. And we cannot forget Abigail in 1 Samuel 25.  She was married to Nabal (the fool).  Her husband (Nabal) mishandled, dishonored and disrespected his position and her (his gift - blessing) and God removed him from the equation and gave her to David.  God gave her to her husband (Nabal) to honor, help him, and to help him do the right but he did not.  HE gave him chance(s) to get it together and he didn't.  HE continued to speak (thru others including his wife) to him but he didn't listen.  So, his good thing was given to someone else.  God ReGift His gift!  Yes, what God has for us is for us but we gott'a do right by it, Him, and others.  No, HE will not (every again) repent or regret His giving us a gift or blessing (for the gifts of God are without (HIS) repentance)...but we (bout) need to repent often..daily for how we handle not only our gift(s) but our lives, others, and our relationship with Him

God seeks to give each of us a good thing(s).  His desire is not to withhold any good thing from us. HE gives us time to seek Him, see it, get it together, deal with ourselves, hear Him, and obey Him to receive it.  Decide today to no longer waste time on whose fault it is, tell the truth, take responsibly, forgive, chart a difference course, and chose be diligent to respect, value, honor His gift; the  blessing that HE has given or wants to bestow upon you; including yourself and the gift of life.  If you don't know how, ask Him and HE will.  If possible and feasible, be sure to inquire of the blessed thing what is desired - necessary for it to know its level of importance to you.  

The Truth

As we close out 2015, let's reflect. Consider your ways, choices, decisions, actions...Be honest - real with yourself and others... Don't look at them only.  Let us look at us. No blame - No pointing fingers - No tit-for-tat.  Ask yourself the hard questions..."Did God reward me with a blessing (that job, house, increase in my finances, relationship, woman, man, spouse, friendship, transportation, business, opportunity, connection, etc.) and I ruined it"..."Did I change God's blessing to a burden with my stink'n thinking, wavering emotions, insecurities, past positions, prideful or selfish neglect?" 

So how do I make it "right"... what does this look like?  Glad you asked...It certainly means at a minimum, an apology & request for forgiveness and  t may mean moving on.  Or it may allow for reconciliation but either way...DO NOT go into your new year with unresolved issues & open doors of uncertainty & confusion.  

Here is a good way to know which 'right' to take:

Leave your pray (request for all the stuff you (keep) ask(ing) God to do and for and go make it right.  If possible, be reconciled.  Help us Lord see ourselves, our role and be the first partaker of our own advice or medicine. 

1. Did you make a rash, emotional decision 
2. Did you ask God before you made the decision, spoke it and moved forward in it 
3. Did you seek wise counsel or were you your own counsel
4. Has your decision brought more hurt, pain, confusion, despair, loneliness, frustration, anxiety, uncertainty, unhappiness, etc.
5. Does the thought of "your gift" being ReGifted makes very uncomfortable, jealous, etc. 
6. Looking yourself in the mirror - you now admit that you gave up - you didn't do everything you could - you didn't fight for it - you gave the devil not only a foot-hole but full access - this one was on you
7. Under close true self-examination you are forced to acknowledge and conclude that you had a good thing and blow it 
8. You have not missed a day - gone very few moments without reconsidering - thinking about the gift you gave back
9. Were there parts/aspects of the gift - the blessing you never tapped into, appreciated, use, explored, decorated...
10. Are there still dreams/goals that God spoke to you when it was good (before you changed) that are tied to that gift - blessing
11. Do you - have you experienced any regret from your decision 
12. If you had it to do over again, would you handle it - do it the same way 
13. This last one is real easy, if 1-12 are in the affirmative...Then this one is/was on you...Go and make it right!  

14. The only question God has for you is 

    Do you want - desire - believe it is My will for you to have the gift - the blessing I gave to you back...?  If yes, (and even if no) ...for your God Relationship sake here is the solution:

The Solution

• Repent; change your mind about it-the situation-the person(s)

True REPENTANCE is not feeling sorrow for yourself but sorrowful that you (knowingly or unknowingly, intentionally or not) hurt or disappointed or dishonored God (and others) and or what HE has blessed you with.  It is Godly sorrow that leads to repentance that causes us to want to make things right, do the right thing...change our behavior.  Always knowing what we can't do on our own, we can do with and through God, His Word (truth), prayer and accountability!

• Die to you - Humble yourself  
• Ask God for forgiveness 

For being unappreciative and dishonoring  Him and His gift...for being presumptuous and prideful in thinking that you know better than Him, for not asking Him what to do and how to do, for doing it your way as if HE didn't know what was best for you or have a plan for you (in that job, position  relationship, marriage, etc.) 

• If people are involved, ask them for forgiveness 
• Forgive yourself 
• Ask Him for His will and instruction - to remove fear - to make your way good and your timing right - that you are receive ...
• Then obey Him quickly and fully
• If possible (with God all things are possible), while you still have time (life, breath, opportunity, chance); go and be reconciled - go make it 'right' with them (your spouse, your manager, your pastor, your children, the love of your life, your parents, your friend, etc.) 

The Conclusion
You will know when you get there if reconciliation includes restoration and reuniting!  Be ready to do the work to regain - win back - buy back your gift - the blessing - your good thing.  After all, isn't that what Jesus did for you - for us all!  

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View Relationships Rule videos at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0rpjGLhAYIzoSWZW33ykvw

Be sure to visit Dr. Tuesday's website at www.drtuesday.net.  

Order her book and request a signing at http://atkpublishing.wix.com/atkpublishingwaiting