Closing Out 2015 - What I Have Learned : The Masks of Men (WoMen)

What I've learned #1...

It is one thing for a person to 'feel you' (touched by the feelings), another for them to 'get you' (live together in understanding, in all your getting get an understanding) but to 'see you' is to truly know you (you know my inward secret thoughts, you see me afar off).  People love it when you "feel" them & get them but seeing them makes most uncomfortable because it is a place of vulnerably.  It exposes parts of us we do not - are not ready to reveal. Yet, how can you have a genuine authentic healthy relationship without it.  Now, I do not mean by the 2nd date they should know everything there is to know about you.

My question for you is:  Which do you prefer: someone who feels you, gets you, see you, a combo or all.  To avail yourself to all, that means you are ready to be REAL - TRANSPARENT!  In this there is no vagueness, no secrets... withholding nothing.  The "don't ask don't tell" policy is not in effect.  They do not live by "ask me no questions - I tell you no lies."  Do not confuse someone telling you "every thing" with telling "everything".  The first tells you what (the thing(s) they want you to know.  The second is an open book...Whether they volunteer it or when asked they tell it and they answer honestly.   Wisdom of when to tell what is key.  If in doubt pray, ask God and HE will lead you.  However transparency is vital to  establishing a healthy relationship.

With every exchange, every encounter, every shared dream and past hurt and learned experienced there should be - must be a greater level of TRUTH and TRANSPARENCY!  Else what you building your relationship on are "half-truths" which are lies and often secrets that will come out - be exposed (intentionally or unintentionally) later.

Trust is built through not only transparency, but time (calendar and experience), open and honest communication (transparency), and understanding. 

I have heard people say and seen it written that acceptance is apart of the equation.  Let me touch on that.  Someone accepting us for who we are and what we have been through that often made us who we are is that is more about our respecting and not blindly accepting. Accepting you is not excusing or approving of us or our bad behavior. God, our Heavenly Father acceptances us and loves us but HE never excessed us or approves of our bad behavior (sin; against Him, ourselves or others). 

What I know:

A healthy, lasting, enduring relationship cannot be established and built on lies or secrets.  We must remove the masks.  If we do not know how, ask God to give you the courage and strength. To remove the fear.  Masks are for fun and are meant for momentary wear. They are never meant for long-term permanent wear or to be put or kept on as an accessory. They are most often seen and visible at parties and scary days, i.e.,Halloween & Masquerade Parties. They become uncomfortable after a while and must be (should be) removed. You can't breathe freely behind one. In our natural daily lives and relationship encounters, they worn out of fear; fear of acceptance, rejection, self hate, self denial. They are a deception to wearer and the receiver.  The shame or challenge is that they can be worn so long that they become natural and accepted.  Paul  L. Dunbar put it like this

When God starts or uses someone to see us it can be fearful - uncomfortable.  It exposes us.  Without understanding, this could be a curse more than a blessing.  Forgetting that if God is allowing it, it is for our good.  I believe this is more challenging for men than women.  Why?  Men want to be seen by their woman as their knight in shining armor, their hero. And to be seen; particularly by their woman before marriage can be intimidating for them.  Their reveal tends to be little by little; unlike women who can sometimes reveal too much too soon!

I have often said when people act out or change it not that they changed it was simply that what was in them came out.  What changed was our ability to see and be truthful with ourselves about what we see and witness.


What do we do
Let us seek to remove the mask and be real to ourselves and others.  Representatives need not apply. Show up as you.  No pretending or keeping secrets.  Being vague is deception and seeks deceive.  White or black - little or big lies are not ok.

Always be you - your real authentic you.  No matter the hat you are require to wear always, ONLY present the real you.  Tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth about who you are.  You past and present struggles.  Do not pull people into your masquerade     that you call life.  If you desire for your relationship to be strong and last; to weather the storms, it is imperative that trust, honesty, communication, support, fun, love, forgiveness, and transparency are the foundation of your relationship and union.

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View Relationships Rule videos at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0rpjGLhAYIzoSWZW33ykvw

Be sure to visit Dr. Tuesday's website at www.drtuesday.net  

Order her book and request a signing at http://atkpublishing.wix.com/atkpublishingwaiting

Back at Wait(ing)...Now What?

What to do when you are back at wait...

After you have received what you thought was your answer to prayer, your blessings, your good job, your dream house, your good "thang", then something happens and you are back at wait(ting). I pray this EXCERPT from my book "Waiting: Mastering the UnAvoidable" page 277 will encourage, bless, and strengthen you in your waiting place, for the journey to your now (present) and next (future)!

"It is the self-accusation and doubt of why you are back at wait that makes the return and the season more difficult.  What did I not learn the first or the last time that I am sentenced again to wait? What did I miss? Beloved, may I bring comfort to your confusion and the series of questions that you may be bombarding your brain with?  It very well could have been nothing wrong with you or with what you did wrong.  You took your medicine, completed your treatments, and got a clean bill of health, but here you are back at waiting on the results from a routine test.  Does that mean you did something wrong? Not necessarily and sometimes, absolutely not.  Mistakes are simply a part of the process of life; some more costly than others.  But be encouraged! If (when) Christ is in you and you are in Him, it will all work together for your good.  Healing and restoration is still the children of God’s bread.   HE still took the stripes and by His stripes you are healed physically, emotionally, mentally, etc.  

Ok, you missed it. The signs, the indicators, the flags, the blinking lights, and the warnings.  Like many of us, you were led or drawn away by your heart’s desires and emotions.  Maybe, your (lust) flesh, eyes, and appetites lead you astray.  Yes, they deceived you and everyone else.  Maybe, you did cast your pearls before that which was not worthy.  Ok, all that may be or is the case but now it is time to let it (or...him or her) go.  Stop beating yourself up.  Leave it and them there.  Remember, your past cannot tell you anything different or new.  Can you look yourself in the mirror and say, "I did my best, I did right concerning it, them or us. Where I missed it, I have or will apologize and ask for forgiveness, I forgive them and I forgive me..."  If you can do that, it is time to do like the song my little nieces sing says, "Let it go, let it go! Turn away and  slam the door." You’ve been there and through there (it) already.  No more going back in your mind, emotions, and some of you in person. In most cases, certainly without a heart and mind change (and committed to that), you will not find anything new or different in your past.  

Despite what it looks and feels like, you made it through and out!  The Bible says, "...why do you turn your back again to the weak and miserable elements (thought, habits)..." Galatians 4:9 (and I would add people).  Why are you returning, going back in any way shape or form to what God has expelled from you and released you from?  No more beating yourself up with “what if”, “why didn’t I, how could they (I), I should have seen or known better, I so...”.  Stop it! No regrets.  God can, is willing and able to give you bigger, better, greater and more.  Your next string (of pearls – your heart cries of love and nurturing) will be from fresh water.  You (your love, your heart) will be precious and highly valued (esteemed) by the one who receives you (your pearls).   In all this, all that you went through and will face in life, God’s grace was and is still sufficient.  His love, which encompasses His commitment to you and forgiveness of you, still covers a multitude of sins, iniquities, trespasses, mistakes, and wrong decisions."

Wait on the Lord. Your Next (future) will be bigger, better, greater, more than you could have asked thought or imagined. It (what you went through, lost, experienced) will be worth the wait! 

Order your copy today at http://atkpublishing.wix.com/atkpublishingwaiting 

Be sure to visit my website at  www.drtuesday.net.


Join me for one of my upcoming Book Signings (10/25 has been cancelled).

#DrTuesday 

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View Relationships Rule videos at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0rpjGLhAYIzoSWZW33ykvw

A Note to My Love - #3

Good morning Love. Thank for letting me to be me. Thank you for encouraging me, supporting me, believing in me and helping me be what and who all God has called me to be.  Thank you for accepting and receiving me - my words, my wisdom, my input, my good days and my not so good moments.  Even in our differences we are strong together and find harmony.  Thank you for every compliment, touch, and look of affection, affirmation and approval.  Thank you for being with me and for me.  Thank you that I am on your mind and your desire and pleasure is for me only.  Thank you that with you I feel and I know I am (all of me is) secure & protected.  My heart is yours and yours is mine.  Thank you for our laughs, fun times and making me smile.   Thank you for the music we make together and the ministry we do.  Thank you that we have agreed to not only make each other smile but Daddy God smile first.  All things are for His Glory.  Thank you for your passion!  And making our purpose clear.  Thank you for being a man I can follow and submit to because you have direction, a vision.  You are a leader who follows Christ and I can and choose to willingly follow and submit too.  Thank you for loving me thoroughly thru Him as yourself…and even mo’ better.  Thank you for your kindness, goodness, gentleness, and giving spirit towards me.  Thank you that I am your # 1 and I am your priority - in this I do not doubt.  With these things my love for you grows and my love wants and desires you more.  God sent you and I am grateful that I did not give up, give in or settle.  I have become the woman I am to be given you - the man I dreamed of.  It is my honor to be called your confidant - your love - your bride - your crown - your wife fo' life!  I am blessed to be your helpmate - your partner - your friend - your lover - your cheerleader - your confidant - your roadie - your wife fo' life. My life is good now and our's together will be great and grand. Preparation and opportunity have met and kissed and it is time - our time! I am moved by you to wait on and for you. I wait eagerly for you! Love you love! 

The SSHHH Effect - Single Saved Holy Hot and H _ _ _ _

What is the "SSHHH Effect?"

Don't tell nobody but, "I...want..." Then that word is dropped...horny. But what does Horny really mean?

SSHHH...

• Single – w/o matrimony, not married – includes, widowed, divorced, and never married – engaged does not = married just spoken for. 
• Saved – freed from the law of sin and death, redeemed by another’s sacrifice.
• Holy – given to or belonging to God, consecrated/set apart for/dedicated/devoted to God’s service/use, declared sacred, pure in heart (Ps 51), worthy of worship (to be worshipped for God – to do worship for us), mature (be holy for I am), moving towards/to be perfect – w/o sin 
• Hot – full of strong feelings, very eager, burning, underneath or within
• Horny – feeling of lust, Hornie = Scottish meaning for the Devil

You are running around saying, "I am sooooo horny!" Who, by the way, men do not use this term. So what you are speaking back into yourself is "I am soooooo out of control!" "I am the (of the) devil!" I charge and encourage you; Christian brothers and sisters to remove this word from you vocal! I (we) know you have desires - wants and some would say needs, but this word is not one that you should use to describe it.

The power of tongue. Watch it and get control over it. Some of the stuff you get into, is simply because you have spoken it. So, you wonder why when you have prayed and maybe even fasted to not "slip" and fall into sexual acts? You can't seem to help it or yourself - lose control! Well. you declared it with those lips of yours. You say you are HORNY, then you become that! LUST is simply a desire that is out of control.

Galatians 6:8 says, "8For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life." 

Let me remind you.

1. Your desires are normal – God gave them to you. 
2. So, the issue is not the desire - it is you - that dag gone flesh.
3. We must learn to control it.

God never told you to suppress your feelings or desires, but to get some control of it and them and deny (reject, refuse) it - that flesh.

• Control – to have power and authority over, restrain, to check -- REMEMBER - the Holy Spirit is in control and will help you. 
• Suppress – to put an end to, to stop my force, to keep in, hold back, do not disclose (suppress the truth), to keep secret/silent (by force) – SHHH.

Matthew 26:41. "41Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
John 6:63, "63It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing." 

FLESH...the stuff going on underneath your skin - itching to manifest on the outside. Girl - Dude just admit it - your flesh is weak! After all these years of waiting right and then a very brief season of growing weak "in love".... I understand. But know that God can, is and will be a keeper. If you have missed it and are missing it - stop. Ask Him for forgiveness, ask Him for help and strength for yourself and the person you are in relationship with. HE will come. HE will strengthen you and HE will keep you both!

Mums the word, or the surprising feeling gives the enemy and or the flesh power to more easily operate behind and underneath the skin. This is often why so many of us struggle. You need to be accountable to someone. So how do I do I not walk in the flesh:

1. Know that it is done and you and stand against and walk in the freedom of your flesh not controlling you - it is by the GRACE of GOD in us - through the Spirit who teaches us by deny ungodliness and worldly lusts and its practice. 
2. Watch and pray 
• pray in private (over and about yourself) 
• pray in public (with each other)
• ask God to help you be strong 
• ask Him to give you the power to say no
• if you are too weak, ask Him to take away your lust of the flesh it - bring back your desire when your spouse comes and reserve it for the other side of "I Do" - this was and has been my prayer - HE has been faithful to do
3. Do not or stop putting yourself in compromising situations. 
• if U know U can't handle a dark movie with leg rubbing and neck touching - U might want to put yourself in that place and space 
• if U can't do the big Luther - u might want to stop having it playing when your date comes over. 
4. Tell the truth to someone about your struggle - be accountable to someone and tell them the TRUTH the whole TRUTH

You will and can do it. Imagine what it will be like when it is right!

*Unless otherwise noted, all thoughts, expressions, quotes, etc. are the original words/creation/conceptions of #Dr. Tuesday.

Relationship Seasons

I recently had a 40+ yr old man say to me, "the 1st year that U date a person is their representative".  I thought that was hilarious but could hold some truth. After I finished laughing I asked him if I could use this in my blog.  So here we go.   


To some degree, I agree with his statement.  I believe that God can and will do a perfect and complete quick work in Him for His will His plan and His glory in your life when bringing people together.  What can take some a year to get to see and know and be confident - assured of God's will, can take others a few months; one or two seasons.  If you are a Believer and trying to wait right, I don't recommend much more than that else you find yourself on the altar repenting.   I also believe "complete perfect quick works" are reserved for mature self aware people.  Where both parties know themselves and are honest with themselves and willing to be honest with their future spouse; good, bad, indifferent,  struggles, strengths, weakness, etc.  However,  for most, it is important to date someone; and that could include engagement -  thru the seasons of a year. Why?  Often a person's personality - nature or natural can correlate to the seasons of spirit.  I often say, "oh what a difference a year can make." Meaning, in most situations, since we are not able to experience the person we are dating thru every season or every challenge of their life (unless we date them "forever") - U can use the seasons of nature to give U a pretty good indication of how they will respond to life situation as U date thru Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall - naturally and or spiritually.  

We ask that the real you - them please stand up and come forth.  Consider the following and note - all seasons have both a  spiritual and natural component to them:


Season descriptions

1. Winter: things are dead/gone, cold, stiff, depression, covered up, layer, a sense of lifelessness, no progress, slow movement, patterns, coming in early, days shorter, idle time, inside more, clingy/attached.
2. Spring: things are coming alive, hope, excitement, possibility, planting (care), irritation (allergy season), beauty, things are sprouting up around you everywhere, opportunity, focus changes, dream, undetermined/inconsistent weather, rainy days, time change. 
3. Summer: things are in full bloom, love, alive, much to do, productive, prosperity, hot, fun, friends/family, more time, out more (more time), more exposure, less covered/hidden. 
4. Fall: things are starting to die, days are getting shorter, nights are coming sooner, some see beauty others not, time change.

Comparison - Apply

1.   Winter: show U how he or she will/does handle: loss, cold/dark days-rejection, death to an idea/dream/vision, having to wait, be patient, not being able to do (as much), non-productive times, anxiety, plan/prepare for next season, saver/investor, set in ways, are they evasive, heart issues/concerns, questions that cause them to open up.

2.   Spring: shows U how he or she will/does handle: distractions (beauty, multiple opportunities), balance w/ so much available to them/to do, inconsistencies, do they finish what started, pursuing dreams (able to dream again after a loss), sad/low times, frustration, open to change, needy, demonstration of care/respect.

3.   Summer: show U how he or she will/does handle: hot under the skin annoying situations, good times (do they go over-board or even keel), prioritizes time, freedom, more time/timeliness, selfishness, friends/family, love (matters of heart), commitment/follow-thru (full bloom), and possessive.

4.   Fall: show U how he or she will/does handle: difference of opinion, optimist or pessimist, losing time, flexible to change, confusion, let things go, argumentative

Questions to consider
What season are U in your life? What season is your significant other in? How do U and they handle these seasons? Whatever season they/you are in right now, what are you seeing? If this season never changes, can U live with and be with what you see, feel, experience, know for the rest of your life?

Wouldn't this be a great evening discussion - putting it in this context may take the pressure of sharing where U - each of you are. As you traverse through each season and experience, ask God to show you them and you. Do not exchange the truth for a lie just to have someone?

*Unless otherwise noted, all thoughts, expressions, quotes, etc. are the original words/creation/conceptions of #Dr. Tuesday.

The Purpose of Sex

There is a scriptural principle in biblical research called, "the law of first mentioned". The law of first mention is said to be the principle that requires one to go to that portion of the Scriptures where a doctrine is mentioned for the first time and to study the first occurrence of the same in order to get the fundamental inherent meaning of that doctrine. With that in mind, let's talk about the purpose of sex. (God gave us this wonderful way of sharing, to be sure we are on the same page - God's page.) The Bible refers to Adam "knowing" his wife. Jacob went into to Leah and knew her. Judah never "knew" Tamar again. This use of the word "knowing" and "knew" means they were intimately acquainted or had a sexual encounter. God's original intent for sex was in and from the beginning has not changed...It was for marriage between a man and a woman. 

Sex was given to a couple - a male and female. They were created in God's image for His glory. First the male, then the woman from man for as his glory. He gave sex to man for woman and woman for man. His purpose was to bring one into the other; to know the other intimately, to manifest God (make-create love - God is love) in marriage. It is for the purpose of reproducing and that (re)production is after their own kind. It is a form of worship. I know for some that is a deep thought, but it is truth.

Why? How is it worship? When we are married, we make love.  We literally create God because God is love. If we consider this as singles, we may rethink entering into sexual encounters with those we are not yet or will never be married to. It is more than just fulfilling and meeting a need or releasing lust. 

The seed of a man is valuable and has purpose. Seed not planted (comes forth by the millions) is not producing.  Thus it is wasted and God is not pleased (Gen 38:9,10). Because anything that is not doing what it is or was created to, serves no purpose. It is useless to creation and its advancement.  Remember the fig tree in Matthew 21 and the vine in John 15. In God's world which is the right way of doing things, EVERYTHING, even sex (in marriage) has a grand purpose. So, why not make this time(s) (with your spouse) grand?  This is where and how the mystery of the 2 becoming 1 happens - one in flesh and in spirit.

No longer see the intimate moments and times (with your spouse) as a duty or for selfish motives. Make her want you in worship. Draw him into you into  - through the new idea of worship. Cause your spouse to desire (more) worship...to hear God say, even in this, "Well done, thy good and faithful servants, you have been faithful over this little and I will make you ruler of much."... To hear Him say, to know...You served well.  You want more, worship more. It is worship and it pleases God. So, yes! "Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise and bless His Holy Name". I know that is too much for some of you but again, it is truth anyhow. And for me, who is single and waiting right; and a worshipper, this encourages me!

I was in worship the other day and the presence of God - His love, care, and tenderness was so overwhelming, I could not stand. I could not stop releasing tears and telling Him and Jesus how much I love and appreciate Him/Them. That is how your worship of, in and through intimacy (with your spouse and mine when he comes to find) can be. 

So many of us had and have it so wrong about what sex is for and about. You get this revelation and truth...intimacy (in to me you see) and sex in your marriage will take on a whole other view and approach. And for the singles; men and women, it should give you a desire to wait and wait right. Can you imagine the freedom of your intimacy when you know that what is done in agreement between (only) the two of you is God's will and desire for you? When your desire is to please God and your spouse before yourself? Preferring them above and before you. My, my, my...exponential...off the charts, out the root! Up up and away! 

I always say, animals (cows, horses and probably roaches) have sex. But only those created in God's image for His good pleasure can make love, and thus create Him who is Love.  Sex is to be enjoyed and carefully entered into through love (God) - in agreement (covenant) with His will and way. It is not like you are driving onto a car lot, picking a car you like, climbing in and test driving it; only to park it back on the lot - often not in the space you took it from with less power and or gas in it. It was not intended for use prior to marriage but after you say, "I do"; after you come in agreement (purchase) and take all the responsibility of it (pay the bill(s) - note, insurance, maintenance, etc.). Many, if not most of us have made and continued to make this mistake and wonder why after marriage, the sex drive/appetite/desire/response changes. Because you previously drove something that wasn't yours yet. When I purchase a car, I am clear if I am looking for new or used and if so how used - how many previous owners and how many miles. 

Excluding an illness, children who don't have structure and bedtime, work that exhausts you everyday, long days because you are a work-a-holic, financial issues because you live outside of your means or legitimate loss, just don't feel like it, going outside of the marriage to get satisfied...excluding all that...I encourage you to make adequate time for intimacy and sex with your spouse. Now remember men, for her it starts long before the bedroom and bed. And may I interject this, a number of these things existed when you were dating and "getting busy" all the time - none of that mattered, but now everything interferes. Ever wondered why?

Let me tell you, you can't expect to come into God's plan "doing it" your way and then asking Him to bless it for life. You left/leave a foothold for the enemy. God's Word says (paraphrasing), do not withhold sex from one another for lengths of time - except where you have both agreed and then for only a set time or else the enemy gets a foothold. So how do you (both) fix that? Repent (changing the way we think about and approach a thing to align with God's way) and ask God for forgiveness for not honoring His purpose and original intent for sex after marriage. Now, that you have asked for forgiveness and changed your mind about it and have the truth about it - do something and do something different...always in agreement. Now don't bring other people, animals, or dare I say porn into your haven, marriage bed and covenant. I earnestly believe, if you grab a hold of this, you won't need any of that. Those who are married, take back the intimacy of your marriage, obey the Word of Lord and as my Grandma would say, "Have fun at it!". (I loved that lady!)

To you who are single, you are now equipped with this knowledge and can begin to prepare yourself for HOLY matrimony. Get ready. Trust God that your intended spouse will come and will not delay. Make sure you are on one accord and expect - anticipate a blessed union and communion on your night of consummation. Let it be the start of an amazing love life and life of love.

Let our desire alway be to please God in every area of our lives and to give and bring Him glory, even in our intimacy with our spouse. (Rom 12:1,2)    

*Unless otherwise noted, all thoughts, expressions, quotes, etc. are the original words/creation/conceptions of #Dr. Tuesday.