Let Go!

Have you wondered why or are currently in a state of wondering why someone changed on you - changed their mind about you - the relationship. Why - How they could so easily leave? Consider this: 1 John 2:19 "They who went out from (left) us (you), did they did really belong to us (you). For if they had belonged to us (you), they would have remained with us (you); but their going (leaving) showed (you) that they did not belong to us (you)."

The Problem

This question has been asked of me many times...How did you let go - move on...How do I let go: when I still love them, miss them, they won't talk to you - even to explain their decision or reasoning, when there are so many unanswered questions, when they left you without explanation, when it doesn't make sense, when everything was going well-great, when they said you were everything they ever wanted, prayed for, dreamed of...when I still have hope...How does this happen? How it can happen, may not be able to answer; however, I may be able to shed some light on "why". Why does or would someone walk away from that which they said was good-great the best thing before or since "sliced bread". Simply put, they are human with a will to choose. 

God gave us the option of choice. Unfortunately, that option, our choices are often affected and impacted by feelings, the enemy, internal dialogue, and opinions (theirs, yours and others), insecurities, fears, doubts, trust issues, etc. Good or bad, people choose. They choose bad over good or less than or over equal or great. They choose to walk away from good; even great according to them and start over. They choose their way over God's way and will. Why? As crazy as it sounds, for some starting over with the "next"; the next job, the next relationship, the next city, the next car, the next man, the next woman, etc. is easier than doing the work to have the best and EVERYTHING they've ever wanted... EVERYTHING that God has for them. It is the grass is greener mindset. Forgetting, there is ALWAYS a cost to not finishing what you started, not fully investing in what you have and been given...Which is good, maybe even already great but just needs some time, attention, understanding...Investing.  

True Story

Once, I was in Vegas and watched this lady win on a slot machine. Excited, she took her winnings and left. I told the person I was with, that machine is going to hit big. Why you say that, that lady just won on it? Yeah, but that was small compared to what it is about to do. That was a warm up. Mind you, I had never been to Vegas or played a slot machine but I knew. So, I sat down. As we waited for our taxi to take us to the airport, I played...1 quarter. 2 quarters, 3 quarters...I played for about 15-30 minutes... and ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT HAPPEN...I hit...I won. It released the full Monty. She walked away with hundreds and I won and walked away with thousands. The maximum amount the machined allowed a person to win. Like her, many of us get what we want...I mean really who comes to Vegas for just the buffets...Since I took the time to go to Vegas, it would be nice to win something. Like her, you think that is all to it, and do not want to take or put any more time into what you have been given and leave too soon. Taking your little when there is so much more to be experienced and gained! Thus, leaving what was suppose to be the full monty blessing for you for someone else. The next person reaps (often w/ less) the FULL benefits. Great for them not so much for you. You want to go from good to great...Sit down. Invest (time, talk, treasure & talent) in you, your partner and the relationship.

Analogy:

If you trade your perfectly good, nice, reliable car in that you still owe on, what do they say, "you are upside down." Even if you put money down. You are in more debt. Wisdom would dictate that you take that money and invest it in your already good thing. Or because you are tired of that house, this job, that city; God has not told you to move from this to that but that is what you want, so you do it. There is (will be) a cost and a loss. This is not about taking a risk, or leap of faith or a chance. This is about not starting what you finished. Not fully invested in the gift, blessing, opportunity...good thing - great thing God gave you. Every day people ask for their ideal, their utopia and God favors them and gives it to them and they decide that wasn't really want they want...So they squander it by mishandling, mistreating or rejecting it. Why? Fear. Insecurity. Feelings of inadequacy. God trusts them but they do not trust and believe in themselves. HE knew they could handle it but fear manifesting in stress, anxiety, worry, self-pity, doubt, etc. causes them to run. It was what they needed. It was what HE wanted it for you. HE hoped in you that where they were weak to do, to handle it, they would come to Him. But instead. too many forget about and overlook the blessing, the favor that is right before them and walk or run away. More than likely you are not the first and will not be the last. This type of behavior is problematic. It is a pattern. Sad but true.

It is easier for some to leave and start-up with someone or something else. Though it is different, it is not always better or best for them. But it is often easier start, start over than to obey God and not do what God has shown or told them was necessary to have what (all) HE has for or had (already) given them. Settling is easier than ceasing!  Perhaps, insecurities or unresolved issues, unhealed hurts or secrets kept them from working through their stuff; common couple stuff to wholly receive what God gave them. Thus, they never (fully) experience the great(er) reward of a true helpmate, soulmate or real holy matrimony. Fear (of failure, success, not measuring or living up) is a major factor in failed anything: jobs, relationships, recovery, etc. The truth is most fears can be overcome if intentionally addressed. Maybe they did not how to or want to do the work to have, keep or maintain what was good (great). They chose to settle for less than or what was easy for them; often a likeness, a simile of you.  Whether influenced by internal or external voices, they choose to go. 

Some find peace, hope, satisfaction in the blessing of their great thing. They choose to remove the mask, leave it off, and walk in freedom, transparency, and authenticity. Others choose to put it back on after a time and go back to living the farce; being the man or woman that others think they are or expect them to be. All the while suffocating in their self-denial. The fear of change, truth, facing self and doing the work to receive and have all that God has for them is greater than the fear of remaining the same, losing it all, or starting over. I know crazy but true. To them, it is easier to give up and walk away and start with a 'new thing' (the next - the 20%) than it is to stay and do the work to have the 80% (the greater) that could become 100%. What a miserable way to live, be, to exist. Jumping from this to that; this relationship to that, this job to that, this place to live to that, this vice to that; never finding stability, a home or resting place or state. Trying to create or form a quilted symbolism or replacement of the last (you); their gift, good or great thing - their blessing. And let's not forget they leave in their wait another broken heart and adding to their own delusion and God's promised discipline.

How do I do it - What do I do: I know it is hard; however, I encourage you to see the bright side of this. God allowed them to go. HE knew something you did not. See it from God's perspective. HE wants ONLY what is HIs absolute best for you. For every child, the parent wants that is best. Yet, when a child has been mistreated, mishandled, hurt (even by another child or sibling), it is the heart and love that parent to make them feel better, to help in their healing process or recovery and sometimes they get a treat a blessing because they were the one afflicted. Well, if our earthly father-parent knows how to give good gifts, what more do we expect from our Heaven Father. And the one who did the damage is disciplined; if not now (go to your room), later. So praise Him. Give Him Glory. HE has for you that which is equally yoked beyond salvation but with the same desire, level or type (Biblical) of commitment, desire, loyalty, spiritual maturity. HE does not want you to mourn, long-for, hurt over, regret, question yourself or what you did or did not do (i.e., chance, beg, etc.) and put your energy (any longer) towards someone who would walk away from you or leave you boldly or cowardly. They were not God's best - ideal for you! Maybe they did nice things for you, was everything you thought you every wanted...But you must be HONEST with yourself. If they were with and for you and that was genuine; would they - could they have so easily or cowardly left you, your family, home, children, the relationship? You MUST be honest with yourself. If they picked up with someone else so quickly, maybe just maybe their leaving and walking away so easily was because they had the other in the wings...The spare or next was already in play or at least they had them in mind - in reserve. Maybe just maybe, they were with you but not for you.

If they ever belonged to you or you to them, you must accept that they no longer belong to you for had they, they would have remained. They would have addressed, talked to you, went to or continued the counseling. Whatever the cause, they changed their mind. They made a choice...And God allowed it. Though it hurts, be grateful that they figured it out now. They did not have the capacity or ability to be with you til the end. Celebrate, be grateful, thankful that they left when they did.

Beloved, I encourage you...Receive God's grace to (help you) and let go. Let go of the hope and desire for their return; they are on to the next, they are married. Let go of the hope for an apology; pride, personal deception and enabling will not allow them to apologize. Only God and the conviction of the Holy Spirit will true godly sorrow come that brings repentance to want and seek reconciliation (with or without relationship and fellowship). It will not come without the conviction, drawing and pushing of the Holy Spirit. Remember: They think they did nothing wrong. Therefore, there is no remorse or concern to care for or about your hurt. Your pain is not their priority. Let it and them go.
Forgive and move on and forward. Cry if you must but cry (out) to the Father. HE still draws near to the brokenhearted. Talk it out and through with someone who can help you. Friends and family are cool but not always objective. And after a time, their attention to your hurt and need to heal may grow short. Seek counsel. Not only to be heard but to see examine and learn, grow and be better and ready for the real. Pray. Let God heal you, your heart and soul. Wholeness, victory is on the way.  Continue on with your life, dreams, goal, responsibilities. Maybe even set some new ones or finish some old ones. In your healing and recovery state; whether you are are not, never let'em see you sweat, tripp'n, hurting, etc.

You may (still) be hurt, confused, angry, disappointed, not understanding what or why, or have unanswered questions...In that - with that...I still say and encourage you to let it all (and them) go...For your sake, you must! For your healing, your peace, your joy, your present and your future...For your real reward - the promised blessing you must trust and believe that what God has for you is greater (divine and purposeful) than anything you let go of. I understand and respect that it is difficult to move on and forward when you don't understand. When things don't make sense; their choice, action(s) came out of nowhere. When thoughts, memories, words are swirling around in your head. The pain of their lies, deeds, and the discounting of your feelings. When they won't talk with or to you to help you get to closure (see my blog and video on closure https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLw2dAnDySFHazXK6tyKpll-5Lubwwpf3O). With all that, you still have to let go and move forward.

If you know you: loved them, honored, supported, helped when allowed, cared for & about them, gave it your all, forgave, encouraged, treated fairly, respected, accepted, prayed for them and the relationship, only "demanded" respect and kindness, made clear your desire for them and them only, and communicated your reasonable need, kept your mouth off them (no name calling) and if you said or did anything that (was not intentional but may have) hurt them you apologized and asked for forgiveness...If you did any, all or most of this, you are free to move forward. There is really nothing holding to back from letting go; except you. Your thoughts and feelings. Get out of your feelings and get into your future.

Do do not delay your healing, wholeness, life or soon coming good love waiting on someone who does not understand or care about God's purpose for us to repent and be reconciled. Do not wait on someone who operates in false humility, hides honesty, tramples on truth, uses love like a laundry list, whose pride will not allow their heart and soul to see the hurt they caused. No longer wait on or expect someone who didn't value, respect, honor you enough, wasn't man or woman enough to fight for you, your relationship, be honest with you and come to you and tell you where they were or why. Do not get stuck in regret, hurt, disappointment, memories; paralyzed in the past of when it was good and what they said, promised or did that was good. It is not good now, so go forward! Do not put your hope in a world that was built from the brokenness of someone else's imagination. Let GO!
Each Step - Choice You Make and Take to be Whole gets you closer and takes you HIGHER

Your restoration, your greater is contingent upon you choosing to forgive. Though it is difficult, do not concern yourself with what they tell or told others; their family, friends, the next...Yes, they may have put the blame all on you...Presenting themselves as the victim...You the culprit. Know that God knows and sees (saw) all. HE is your vindicator! The truth, their patterns of putting one down and picking another up, starting strong and it fizzling out, and the behavior of putting everything on the other person or taking very little (if any) responsibility will be revealed. Truth will always overcome and expose lies, blame, deflecting and excuses. Eliminate people telling you things about them. Remain consistent in your faith, what you know is right and good in character, relationship interaction and service. Stay true to you. Stay focused. Choose recovery. Declare your healing, future, victory. and good thing - great thing that is to come. Take the time soul search, to self-examine but do not beat yourself up: What is common, What part (small or big) did I play in this, What have (do) I (need to) learned from this - about me, the opposite sex, patterns in them, in me, etc. Write it down, pray over it, renounce it and speak from renewed mind; a new truth about you and your future. Stay away from tongue or social media assassination. If their leaving was unjust, God will settle the score. HE did say vengeance was His. Keep your hands clean and heart pure.

Then...Now you can let it and them go. Whatever God instructs you to do in the process of your healing, deliverance, breakthrough, breakout, breakout, release, i.e. forgive (yourself and them), be still, do or say something or nothing, guard your heart, seek wise godly counsel, disconnect or remove yourself from them and all that is attached to them; DO IT! It is about both (all) of you but is solely for you. The wine HE is about to pour and serve you will be His best. HE has saved the best...for last. Your next (job, healthy godly faithful loving relationship, lasting marriage, house, business, contract, etc.) is on the way. That one will be the right - the best one! John 2:5  Certainly where children are involved, do not interfere with that and keep lines of communication open to and for them. If God instructs and releases you; apologize and ask for forgiveness. If they accept, receive, and respond, AMEN. If not, AMEN! When you are "able" (meaning, you have set your heart to forgive and are walking in that) speak well of and wish them well. I know it may not seem like it now, but through the process of forgiveness, you will be able to do this. Know that God never wanted you hurt, disappointed, or challenged with feelings of rejected.

It may sound 'soap operaish', but God still has arranged marriages.  HE still (divinely orchestrates matches (from) in heaven. Trust God. Rest in the hope of God. HE has a plan for you and it is great. HE knows what's best. Though their leaving may have blindsided you, it did not catch God off guard. If you are honest, HE probably gave you some indication but you and I ignored it. Let 1 John 2 strength you, their leaving shows you, they were not meant to be with you...at least not on the next phase of your life's journey. 

The lyrics from Frozen says it all:
Let it go
Let it go
Can’t hold you back anymore
Let it go
Let it go
Turn my back and slam the door
And here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let it go
Let it go
The cold never bothered me anyway
Standing frozen in the life I’ve chosen
You won't find me, the past is so behind me
Buried in the snow

Source: http://www.directlyrics.com/demi-lovato-let-it-go-lyrics.html

Let Go!  Breathe. Relax. Do something fun. Take a trip. Do a "stay-va". You deserve it and soooo much more and better.  Focus on the good in your life and those who are meant to be with you. Find a plot and bury your past; good or bad: every memory, every word, every promise, every hope, every disappointment. Close the door. Pronounce the committal - "Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust - They walked away from me - Their Good Thing now letting go is must - I do so with no regret, no remorse or fuss!" You are now free to move about the cabin of the next phase or stage of your life. Be and remain encouraged. The truth is you lost or loose nothing that God deemed was necessary for your journey. For if they had belonged to you and was a necessary part of your overall purpose and destiny they would have been truly committed to you and would have remained with you but their leaving showed you that they did not belong to you. Trust God. Greater is coming!  

Why do haters hate...

Why do haters hate? Or in non-urban terms...Why do people dislike you or for no cause turn against you?  In short it is a heart issue. For out of the heart, they speak or post and hide behind negative or passive aggressive comments. They hate because you have something (peace, confidence, relationship(s), talents/gifts/abilities, anointing, money, personality, friendships, looks, style, etc.) they want. And if they don't want it, they do not want you to have it.  Or you have too much of it. Even more insane is how some have most of what I listed i.e., looks, success (past or present), relationship, talent, money; yet, they hate on you for....What?...For their own reasons (known or unknown), they feel that you are the competition.  You may never know.  

Haters juggle and struggle with jealousy, insecurity, and envy.  They sow discourse.  They may not want a business but they do not want to see or hear of you having one...and by all means do not let it or you be successful; impacting and changing lives by what you do.  They may not want marriage but they hate that you have found love and they (secretly or publicly) hope yours fails.  They criticize what they deem as failures in your life and use your misfortunes as a means or opportunity to discredit you.  In some cases, the very thing they criticize you for is something they once admired you for, sought you out for wise counsel in (e.g., business, investments, relationship, children) or maybe even encouraged you to do (start a business, write a book, to not conform or shrink back but walk in your confident…What was once encouraged, supported and celebrated by them to do what all God called you to do is what they take pleasure in talking against it and you. Friends, mentors, sisters or brothers in Christ, family, etc. who transform into haters are the worse.  They carry a heavy burden of bitterness because of life disappoints and failures, rejections, unmet needs, unhealed hurts and or unresolved issues. They are often mad at something or someone else; including themselves or maybe even God but they take it out on others. They have a disdain towards themselves manifesting in self-hate, insecurities, secret or self-sabotage criticism of themselves and others.  Surprisingly, some haters hate but do not know why they hate or dislike people...They just do.

It is nothing you have done to them or said about them. There may have been a season that you were their tutor or they were yours or even a friend or associate but things or hey turn; the challenge of a hater is not to make and take every turn personally. It is possible to grow apart or experience a difference in opinion but still have a mutual respect. Unfortunately, hater will hate when they “feel” rejected or unable to control someone to resort to obsessive mean girl/boy tactics. Haters in these types of scenarios will seek to verbally, mentally or emotionally harm or rather discredit you. Their hope is to bring to questions or plant doubt and discord in others. 

How? With their words. In today's world, that is done via social media with implied accusations or comments about someone. It is the nice nasty backhanded comments and compliments, the overt disrespect or "innocent" conversation that is really brought up to talk about a person and of course, we cannot forget the suggested 'prayer request' that is really being used to gossip. Haters do not want you to go further than them. All these types of things (and more) are done by haters - cowards whose goal is to criticize, discredit and build or increase a team of flunky followers to #hateonX. Somewhere along the way, haters forget that Galatians 6 says, "You reap what you sow." Why did I not mention physical harm? Well, most (adult) haters will not put their hands on you only their mouth or fingers via a keyboard and screen. There are six things God hates and seven He despises (Prov 6:16-19). God desires and commands us to love one another, be unitified, and live at peace (Ps 133:1, 1 John 4:12). Quit praying for miracles and you are participating in disunity, strife, and sowing discord!

The Hatters Creed

The root cause of their hate is fear that manifests primarily in jealousy or envy, mean-spiritedness in words and or deed, gossip, conjuncture, etc. Haters are instruments of cruelty used by the devil. I once heard my previous Pastor say, "If folk ain't talk'n about you; meaning you have no haters, you probably ain't doing nothing (right) in God's Kingdom. If everybody loves you or that is our desire then you are probably living a false existence."  And I add, you are probably not living life in God created capacity and purpose where others lives are being positively impacted! The devil and his instruments of discord hate purposeful Kingdom people!  

Now hear me, some people are talked about - spoken of - disliked because of their treatment, talk and behavior towards or against others. The truth of who they really are is exposed; often not to the masses but to those who get close enough to see and experience.  We are not speaking of a bad day but truly bad behavior.  This is often not a hater but a justice seeker...They are those who tell the truth when asked. They do not freely offer information but when asked, justice seekers tell the truth of their experience, their part and others part; not to discredit or harm but make (fully) aware...It is not done maliciously or unsolicited. If given the assignment or opportunity, they will come to the hater – the offender or talk to them about those they are associated with who hate on others.  They are not posting, commenting, jabbing, kissing you on the cheek and then outwardly or silently agreeing with others about what they don't like about you.  Haters stay in other folk business and privately on other people’s pages.  How else would they know what they are doing? They take issue with what others are doing or not doing.

Consider this

Why would anyone care about what another is doing or not doing?  I remember a past mentor of mine saying how she spoke and taught on wealth and building business (enterprise) before she ever had a successful business. She was not an expert (at the time) but God gave her wisdom; not just knowledge on the subject. Then one day the principles that God gave her to teach others and they applied them to be successful boomeranged back to her and she grew a million dollar business.  Haters are not Kingdom minded.  They have limited thinking and want to limit you to human and natural resources when God has unlimited everything; knowledge, wisdom, resources, etc. and uses His chosen and willing vessels  to do the supernatural through Him.  It is HE who makes us meat for His use and uses the foolish things of this world to confound and bring to shame the wise of this limited world.  I mean really, have you ever thought that maybe the one God is using is as much in awe of Him choosing and using them as you are mad because HE did.  Why are you mad at them anyway? Go talk to God about that.  Get mad at Him.  It is of His good pleasure to choose, to will and to do through them. 

Now, if this sister or Bishop Jakes who for 20+ years preached, taught and declared the mogul with see now with holes in his shoes and 1 suit from the floor of an A & P grocery store that they lived in the back of or any pastor or minister listened to haters, they would never preach, teach, counsel or advise on anything except what they have been trained in, lived through or been perfected in to be called and expert in.  Now does that make sense? Hater hate because they do not understand or have forgotten that God can and will use whomever HE chooses however HE chooses.  Why care about – hate on – dislike someone because of what they are doing; particularly when what they are doing God has anointed them to do it and it is inspiring, encouraging, providing principles, instructions and hope to others.  The hated-on and the receivers are producing.  Lord help haters. If your words are not helping; they (and you) are hindering.

When was the last time the hater took a risk outside of cowardly saying something behind your back or writing and posting something mean, ugly and unsubstantiated about someone else? What relationship or marriage have they spoken into, prayed for or counseled that interrupted a divorce or caused love and commitment to be restored?  When was the last time they experienced a good love, whether it worked out the way they wanted it or not?  When was the last time the hater experienced hurt, loss or perceived failure but God sustained them through it all and to they never missed a beat.  When was the last time they had someone come back and say, "I'm sorry" or when was the last time they took responsibility for their part and truly humbled themselves to ask for forgiveness? When have they ever forgiven or loved the unlovable when they had every reason not to? What child have they prayed for, encouraged and stopped the plan of the enemy to take their life?  What girl on a counter have stopped and helped? Has the hater ever cried out to God to show them themselves and change them…?  Haters mask their controlling nature as being supportive or helpful.  With them there are always strings attached to their support.  They ask about what you are doing not to encourage but to compete. 

Though many haters have their own set of accomplishments and accolades may follow them, I would pose these questions to the haters:  Can you live without the likes, fans, followers, listeners, viewers, pats on the back?  What 10, 20, 30, 40-year healthy friendship do they have? Are people in their lives to give and affirm them not because of who they are or what they do or because they are popular or connected with this person or that but they are there with and for them simply because they are a genuine person? Rarely does the hater have genuine support and friendships. Outside of their occupation; off the stage or away from the mic or podium, from behind the desk or camera, up from the couch, chair or computer; without credit or self-promotion, what life or lives have you touched, impacted, influenced or brought to Christ lately or ever?  It is in this that true character and the love of God is shown. It is these things outside of our occupation and paycheck that shows genuine heart intent. It is not about being seen doing or connecting with the "right" people but knowing that God sees, hears and knows all.  

Staying connected to God and His heart; pleasing Him and doing His will even when it hurts; including keeping your mouth off of others, minding your own business, forgiving and asking for forgiveness is not the haters creed.  They live off of reservoir of their redemption.  They refer to God or quote scripture but something in their heart towards others is not pure or genuine. One way this is evident in their not so discreet innuendos and hater-aide posts, comments and "I'm just say'n" remarks to others.  Whatever happen to what our grandparents use to say, "If you don't have anything good to say, keep your mouth shut and don't say anything...maybe listen, knob and smile or remove yourself from the conversation so you aren't tempted."  

When you do not bridle that tongue,  Genesis 49 says it like this, "...their swords (tongue and the words that come from it - James 3:5-12) are weapons of violence".  James 3 says, "Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so."  When you speak evil against or lies about someone and or privately wish their failure that is cursing...You my dear are a hater.  Or as Ricky Smiley said, a "worker of iniquity".   I would like to pose a very familiar platitude and relate it to this "get in and stay in your lane..." Again, mind your business.

The greater your anointing, calling, purpose, impact, and reach, the greater the silliness of haters. Yet, Jesus reminds us that your weapons are mighty in and through God...(2 Corinthians 10).  Yes, haters will come. No, you have done nothing to warrant their words and treatment towards you but rejoice, God is your vindicator.  HE will expose and HE will repay!  Did HE not say touch not His anointed and do His prophet no harm?  Well, that includes words.  You can't change them. ONLY God can bring conviction and provoke them to (want to or see a need to) change! Now, unless God commands you, don't give them a seat at your table. It's hard but love your enemies. Pray for them and when (if) possible (try to) keep the peace and bless them!  Remember: No weapon of word formed or deed done against you will prosper.  It may start out moving, seeking to take you down but God has promised it will not advance and every tongue (word) that rises against you, HE will give you the power (wisdom, strategy, way in and out) to condemn; the weapon (whatever they use) and the word(s).

Message to the Hater

Stop it.  Life and death are still in the power of your tongue (words) and those who continue to use them carelessly will eat the appetite of them. If you are a child of God of the King, the earth is His and everything it. You have no cause to hate. What HE has for you is for you.  There is more than enough to go around.  There is not need to be jealous or envious. If you are His child, HE wants to give you your purpose, assignment, open opportunities to you and advance you but you won't shut your mouth and get it and your keyboard off people.   They ain't bother you, so why you bothering (messing).  with them!   This, messy is as messy does! 

Back to the platitude, "stay in your lane" and "mind your own business."  Ok,  God gave you 1 or 2 lanes.  Great, celebrate, actuate that thing but stay in your lane(s).  Don't get mad, jealous, hate on the person God gave 4,5,6 lanes too.  Listen, some are given streets (1 lane, lights, stop signs & lights, exits-can take/lead you to a highway) to ride on, take of, etc, some highways (2-4 lanes, can have tolls, may have timed lights, many exits-can take/lead you to a freeway or expressway) some freeways (many lanes, may or may not have tolls, no lights, few exits) and still others are given expressways (well maintained by others, multiple lanes, no tolls, no lights, very few exits-just go). Whatever your 'way' mind it.  Create a  parkway; decorate your 'way' and stay on it and in your lane (s).  As a I once heard a sister say, "finesse" that thing and let others master theirs. 

1 Thessolians 4 tells us to mind our own business and stop concerning yourself with what others are doing; work with your own hands, as you have been commanded. Why concern yourself with what others are doing; particularly when it is working for them and others and it is bringing God glory?  For some of you "workers of iniquity", quiet as it is kept, that same advice on business, relationship, life, health, marriage, money, etc. that you are telling other folk to not receive from the one you are hating on…You yourself once encouraged them to go forward in using their knowledge and wisdom to bless others and or you sat at their feet  or table to receive and it worked; you got them didn't you, you closed that deal right, and the list goes on.  But you are not telling people that.  You have simply turned; for what cause who knows and expect them to stop drop roll  and shrink back because you hate'n.  I think not. 

Go forth beloved, even if you have to go it alone for a season.  You and God have already shown you make a pretty good team.  HE has given you bounce back ability.  If God is using someone; who are you to (now) say what they should or should not be doing.  They are God's business, so mind your own business.  Unless they switch lanes and start teaching a doctrine that is sending people to hell or misleading them; be quiet!  If what they are staying true to the Word and providing others with godly counsel, advice, hope, and wisdom; hush your mouth.  How bout staying in your lane and keep your unsolicited and unsubstantiated opinions to yourself.  You don’t know what all they have in their arsenal and what all God has shown, charged and given them licensed and authority to do.  

  

If you did not know by now you should and if not let me help you...You my dear are a hater.  A "worker of iniquity" - an evildoer.  Why because you set out to intentionally discredit, speak negatively about, harm someone who has nothing to you and even if they have; that is not what you Christian brother or sister should be doing.  Your words and deeds are intentional weapons of violence.  Even if they never hear, read or know, God knows. That said, do you really expect God to bless you?  As much as HE wants to HE can't.  Sure things are happening but do not confuse your momentary promotions of man as God's approval of your behavior. His gifts and calling are without (His) repentance (to change your mind about that thing or person so you see and do things God's way).  HE does not have to and never will repent but we must and must do so daily!  

For His namesake and glory, repent for it is only Godly sorrow that brings about repentance.  The repentance that comes from godly sorrow drives and makes you want to clear your name, make things right with others, do things right and treat people right...With all our gifts, talents, abilities, contract, looks, engagement, money, etc., our repentance is required daily and for some (haters) many times a day.  Stop praying asking God to do this and that and go make things right with the person or persons you have done wrong with your deeds (slanderous posts) and tongue (that weapon of violence).  God is not hearing the prayers of the hater; except the prayer of repentance and forgiveness.  Maybe just maybe that is why your blessings have slowed down. You are living off residual redemption.  Since you do not know when it will dry up; you might want to repent; get it right and together. 

To the Hated:

Listen, I know it can hurt but don't sweat or trip on the haters. Let the haters hate.  Let their hate become your motivator and elevator.  They are a part of your making. Unbeknownst to them, God is using them to make you even greater.  Jesus did say 'had they known they would not have lifted Him up!!! '

#enoughsaid

The Chamberlin Effect | Rebounding Right

ESPN reports that at the time of Wilt Chamberlain's retirement he held 128 records with close to 100 of them still holding and 68 of them being records that he holds by himself.  One of those is for making close to 24,000 rebounds in his fourteen-year career.  Which says to me rebounding is important to the game (of life and relationship) and they are not impossible to achieve. What is surprising is that though rebounding takes force, power, physical contact, and determination, he managed to make thousands and seldom was disqualified or fouled out. So low was his percentage, it is recorded as 0.00. It is said that if blocks were counted by the League before he retired, he would hold the record with them as well. The NBA Encyclopedia Playoff Edition. (2005-2006), records the following of Mr. Chamberlin's rebounds and disqualification statistics (retrieved from 
http://www.nba.com/encyclopedia/wilts_records.html).

REBOUNDS
Most seasons leading league:	11
Most, career:	23,924
Highest average, career:	22.9
Most, season:	2,149
Most, rookie, season:	1,941
Most seasons, 1,000 or more:	13
Highest average, season:	27.2
Most, game:	55
Most, rookie, game:	45
DISQUALIFICATIONS
Lowest percentage, career:	****0.00

I discovered standards and approaches from Mr. Chamberlin's rebounding skills that we can learn from and apply to our life so we will not be disqualified in relationships.  The skills are simple, applicable and doable; the execution of them may be challenging. I had an epiphany regarding the analogy of rebounding in basketball and relationships. I call this The Chamberlain Effect: Rebounding Right: 

1. You have to know the game and the rules regarding how to win.
2. Learn the competition and your team (e.g. who is on your side).
3. Respect the competition, use them to motivate you. Do not be threaten or intimidated by it. In essence, "Make your haters your elevators." 
4. Respect and utilized team. Know each person's skill set and use them in their lane.
5. Be confident, played with confidence and expected to win
6. Always keep the end in mind (e.g. be made whole, get over that), which is the goal (e.g. the targeted desire; to forgive, to be healed and made whole) in our view (e.g. mind and spirit).
7. Stay in the game. Don't run from the healing process.  Don't be disqualified because you acted out of your emotions and now you are benched and out of the game.
8. Practice endurance. Though the process of healing and recovery is difficult and can take a while, stay the course.
9. Sit out (and stay out) of the game for a while. Sit down to assess, catch your breath and see the game from another position and perspective.
10. You have to know you are one of a kind. Be confident and sure of your value to the team you are on (e.g. person you are in relationship with).
11. Know your limitations, strengths, and abilities then capitalized on them.
12. Rebounding is between you and the (defined) goal. It's not about the competition (the necessity to overcome them) or your team (for them, the final reward, blessing or trophy).
13. Use your natural (and spiritual, what is in you) abilities (e.g. gifts) to rebound and block.
14. Pay attention to what is going on around you (and in you). Stay focused on the goal, keep your legs and feet under you, stay in control, recognize when you have left the goal, strayed from the desired result and taken your eyes off the win.

Rebounding or maybe a better word is recovery and restoration is not easy but it is doable and it is necessary.   Rebounding is not the move(s) you take but the end result or goal. No ball when you come down, it's not a rebound.  Wilt was able to go up for the ball and come down with it and follow-thru to the next play.  Number 12 above reminds us that the rebound is between you and the goal. To get to the goal and see the victory, you have to be willing to use your strength, power (physical, mental and spiritual), and determination to get past the competition; whoever and whatever is in your way or path to achieving your healing and recovery (e.g. getting the rebound).  Going up and landing safely. This is why involving others in (and during) your rebounding process can be painful (in the end) for you and them.  

Involving others in your rebounding move (time or season), reminds me of bridging. When you are going up for the rebound (getting involved in another relationship too soon (at the wrong time) and on your way down you get bridged.  You are boxed out while in mid-air and your legs (ability to walk right and steady) is taken out from under you, causing you to fall hard (physically), often harder (emotionally) than the previous.  You are not only unbalanced coming down but getting up and the pain of landing takes your breath away.   

I do not agree with  jumping quickly into a new relationship  to be delivered from or to get over the last relationship! It is often a hard and worse fall waiting to happen. How much time should be in between? I do not know what is reasonable, acceptable or appropriate.  However, what I do believe is that it takes some time to recover, rebuild, learn, grow, gain wisdom (applied, executed, tested knowledge) to rebound. Some say it depends on the type of relationship you were in. Dating, engaged or married, how it ended, the loss you experienced or suffered, break-up, bridge, death or divorce. The longer the previous relationship was the more one may be affected. The reason it happened, who initiated it; these and others are factors in the time needed to heal, recover, rebound, to be restored. Not just to your former state but a better state.  

The Chamberlin Effect shows us great gain and reward can come when you keep the end in mind, endure, believe in and know ourselves, our strengths and weaknesses.  Do what he did and capitalize on your strengths but put the right guards around you concerning your weaknesses.  Know your value.  Love and like yourself enough to wait until the right play (or the one who) comes.  

How to know:

How do you know if you are in a rebound relationship; about to be bridged (Reboundee) or operating from a mid-air place; about to bridge someone (Rebounder). Ultimately, we want to and need the one coming to have landed safely (not hurt or (still) broken, angry) from the previous before we go into (or they come) the next with you.  Here are some indicators if you are operating from bridged, mid-air or broken.  Now, if you can answer these, "Nope, not me. Then you are probably ready for the next...You have landed, are safe (healed), ready to move about and get in the game again.  

1. Your conversation or reference is (often) about your Ex or Exes more than the one you are with.
2. You are still angry with and mean towards your Ex or Exes.   
3. You secretly contact, are in contact with, reach out to, still think/dream of/about the Ex.
4. Still (frequently) view/visit/listen to their social media sources, pictures and voice messages.
5. Your will (interest), desire, thoughts and conscious are on them.
6. In any, way you wish them ill.
7. You are not able to earnestly bless them or pray for them. 
8. You purposely visit places, go to or do activities with the "rebound" that you did with the Ex (often this is unbeknownst to the rebound) while secretly hoping to run into the Ex. 
9. Vehemently, you stay away from any and everything that reminds you of the ex (often this is unbeknownst to the rebound ).
10. New memories or experiences are not a priority. 
11. You openly or internally compare the Ex to the present (rebound).
12. You conclude, make or assign (perceived) similarities and reality. 
13. You self-sabotage.
14. If asked about the Ex by the rebound, irritation and or impatience arises.
15. You keep the relationship with your Ex close to your vest. You're vague, defensive and not forthcoming with information and the truth. 
16. Most or all of the "blame" is the Ex's fault. If you take "responsibility", it's not genuine. 
17. You often move VERY fast. The "relationship" is short lived (air goes out in "Rebounder" suddenly and quickly), crashes (fall, break-up), and can be very painful, sudden and often callous. Why, because the emotional internal struggles (anger, insecurity, etc.) of the "Rebounder" were not resolved or even addressed prior to this relationship  
18. The "Reboundee" will feel blindsided. Their recovery (need to rebound) may take some time.

Rebound relationships produce a vicious cycle. Creating and leaving another hurt person to recover and who very well may not apply #9 (i.e. sitting out), assessing your role and game, reflecting, catching your breath and seeing things from a different space, place and perception. Learn you. Assess you. Take time to be healed and to be made whole. 

Has this been you...The giver and or the receiver of a rebound relationship? The probability of a rebound relationship working is low.  If you can make it past six (6) months, your chances get better; however, one (1) year is the optimum.  Unfortunately, most do not make it to 6 months.   

The "Rebounder" can be a male or female. Men do enter into rebound relationships. It may not be as noticeable (at first) because it is more acceptable for men to date frequently, more than one woman at a time or back to back. Decide to not (ever again) be the "Rebounder" or allow yourself to be the "Reboundee". Watch and listen for the signs. You will save you and the other person a world of hurt.

Learn the skill of rebounding right, landing on your feet, if you fall get up and moving on.  Don't get ejected because you feel dejected or rejected.  The Chamberlin Effect...It will work if you work it.  A championship relationship awaits you.  

====================================================================

View Dr. Tuesday's YouTube Channel : TuesdayswithTuesday
To request Dr. Tuesday to speak at your upcoming event, contact her at Dr. Tuesday's Website
Order your book "Waiting : Mastering the UnAvoidable" @ http://www.drtuesday.net/#!waitingbook/vv215